Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
