this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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