I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
