U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
