I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
