I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
