My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
