Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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