Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He shit in the fireplace
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
