my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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