in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
