Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
