The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
