my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I have post one night stand depression
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
