You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
