Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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