Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
