I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
