I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
