Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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