I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
