I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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