Only a mothe r could love this liver
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
