I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
