just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
