He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
