At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
