Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
