I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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