So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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