You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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