I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
