4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
