Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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