i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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