Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
