How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
