there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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