My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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