He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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