thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
