Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
