Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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