Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
