Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
