I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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