I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
