He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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