I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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