I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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