You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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