wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
